On Your 4th Birthday

March 7, 2018

Dear Rowan,

The night before your 4th birthday we were watching a movie and I wanted you to have one of your gifts tonight because you needed it. I am so proud to say that your heart and appreciativeness at such a young age is the greatest gift your mama could ever experience. So we cuddled in bed with your new blanket to match moms and all I could do was hold you tight and smile happy tears because I have done right by you.  You looked up at me tonight as we watch a movie in our room up in Big Bear and you say to me, “Mom your the best ever. Thank you for my new blanket I love it and your my favorite Princess EVER”.  Son of mine if you have any idea what your words mean to me someday when you are older you will understand how important our bond and relationship are to me. So for your 4th Birthday you didn’t ask for a big party you actually asked if we could go on vacation.  I am the mom that will do her best to always give you the world and the best I can when I can.  So today sweetheart when I surprised with our drive up the Mountain the look in your eyes made me grin when you saw our favorite SNOW!!

As I sit here remembering all the happy and sad moments 3 brought us I know one thing is for sure our relationship has never suffered and it has only brought us stronger together.  Over the last year I have seen so much of myself in you sometimes it scares the crap out of me.  But, in all honesty I know you are going to be just fine in life because you have so much of your mama in you; and I have done alright for myself and for you.  I promise you honey I am not raising a fool.  Your independent ways, your sass, your mischievous smirk, your smile, your eyes and your ability to remember things are some of my favorite things in the world about you.  You have an amazing sense of humor and you learned to tell your first joke this year!  I will be the first to admit that I absolutely don’t like you growing up, it is the hardest part of my life because before I know it you won’t need me anymore and you will be a teenager, off to college, getting married and starting a family on your own.  That sweet angle is a scary thought for mommy because you are and always be mama’s little boy.

This year out of NOWHERE you asked me for a dad and a sister.  That broke my heart little man because I want to give you that sweet angle because you deserve it all.  But rest assured sweet boy that mommy has this and you and are are rocking this thing we call life.  Someday I hope to give you the image that America portrays as a “traditional family” but today you and mommy are going to keep kicking life’s butt.  I am so blessed that God gave me you, he picked me out perfectly to be your mommy.  At the end of the day I strayed away from Jesus for foolish reasons but you my sweet angel have pointed me back to where I need to be and for that I owe you my life.  I have one prayer for you and that is that Jesus surrounds you with friends and adults who are positive influences in your life and point you back to him always.

There is so much you have taught me in life already. Like how to let things go, put down my phone and be in the moment, how to live life to the fullest and build nothing but memories for both of us to always have in our hearts.  I love your heart to of GOLD, your ability to know right from wrong, your will to learn and ask questions, your desire to spend your time with me (even though sometimes I see you rather be with other people), your love for Jesus and even those tantrums you throw.  It’s okay little man mommy has them too. 🙂

So today on your 4th Birthday I want to say THANK YOU for being the sweetest and most amazing little boy I could have ever imagined.  I am so blessed to call you my son and be able to tell people yup I raised him all on my own.  Somedays being a single mom was hard but I wouldn’t change it because it has allowed us to have a good strong bond and you are one amazing kid Rowan William Hill.  I love you to the moon, sun, stars, planets and galaxy little man. You are my ROCK.

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Boy!

xoxo Mommy

Photography: Me | T-shirt: Bear and Little Bird  | Beanie: Beau Hudson | Jeans: Little Grom Co